To: Red Sox
1. Learn to hit Matt Garza. This is the A #1 reason you did not go to the World Series last year, and may yet be your undoing this year. Remember the years in the wilderness when you couldn't hit Rivera?
2. Learn to pitch to Evan Longoria.
3. Learn to pitch to Carl Crawford. In case that proves impossible, someone may want to learn how to hold him on. I know, that's a tall order, but those six steals may be telling you something.
4. Learn to pitch to Carlos Pena. (Theo: What where there about this guy that made you want to give him up while you were drooling all over other guys in the farm system? Especially considering how much you were willing to pay Mark Teixeira this offseason.)
5. Please ask the Mr. Penny that showed up against the Rays to stay. Please dismiss the Mr. Penny that showed up against the Indians.
6. You didn't even see Kazmir this time around, and you STILL looked weak. Why? I suggest you go home and meditate on that for a while.
7. Please, whatever you did with the real David Ortiz, we would like him back. The joke is getting old.
That's all for now. But I expect these issues to be addressed by next weekend.